I am a mother of a Kindergartener.  School started this week and not only has my daughters life changed, but also mine.

I had so much anxiety leading up to this moment.  It wasn’t that I was scared she wouldn’t fit in, that someone would harm her, or that she was going to grow up so fast, as everyone had warned me.  Mine was more of a selfish anxiety.

I wanted to be a stay at home mom.  Period.  My hearts desire was to be able to be the mom and wife God called me to be.  In my mind I couldn’t do that working.  At least not everything I wanted to do.  This beginning for her was an ending for me!  I would never have the chance to stay at home with her again.

I felt sad!

Why did God not allow this dream of mine to be fulfilled?  The Bible says “He will give you the desires of your heart” right?

I know the order God designed the family to be in!!  God first, your husband, your children, THEN your job, ministry, etc.  Somehow I could not make this work.  The one thing in life I wanted the most, I couldn’t have.

I am a pretty positive person (and a perfectionist might I add) so I tried to make the best of everything, using the time I did have as quality time.  Games, movies, swimming, parks….. anything you could think of, we did together, as a family, and it was awesome!!

Family game night! (My husband would let us win at UNO once in awhile)

We had a date night every Thursday, just she and I.  “Girl time” as we call it.  We stayed up late talking and laughing!  We watched cartoons and ate junk food in my bed until daddy came home!

We had bedtime stories snuggled up together nightly.

I shared with her my love for gardening and fresh flowers.  How to get away from “the noise” in nature and enjoy Gods creations.

She would walk the yard with me in the morning while having my prayer time, as she listened quietly and occasionally asked questions.

She learned to make her own bed every morning.

To clean up her toys.

To share. (Everything but her blankie and Lucky the dog :))

To love.

To pray.

All of this TOGETHER!

BUT IT STILL DIDN’T FEEL LIKE ENOUGH!!!!

The night before her first day, as I was packing her Hello Kitty lunch box, I broke down!   As I cried, I prayed out loud and lifted her up to Jesus.  I prayed for her teacher, her new friends, her safety, her God given purpose, even down to her husband.  I asked God to help me be the mother she “needed,” not the mother I “wanted” to be.  My heart was broken.  I cried and prayed until I got it all out, feeling so sleepy that I was ready for bed.

The week before, we redecorated her room and organized everything.  We got rid of all the “baby” things she no longer needed since she was going to “kindergarten.”  We came across a devotional her Nana had given her a few years ago, “Gods Little Princess Devotional Bible” by Sheila Walsh.  God laid it upon my heart to introduce this to her with her new “big girl” routine.

The first morning came.  We had waffles with chocolate milk in her own coffee cup, at the table, TOGETHER.  As we sat there reading that morning,  it was if God was speaking straight to me from Heaven!  Rebekah was just going out to the well to get water, like she did every day.  She didn’t know that God was watching.  God was planning her future.  By watering a strangers camels, she was chosen for a new royal position.  God picked her to become Isaacs princess bride.  She would become the mother of Jacob.  Jacob became the father of Israel, Gods chosen people.

It went on to say “God is watching.  He is training you for your special calling one day. God uses the ordinary things~like watering camels (maybe it’s feeding your cat) and serving others to do mighty works.  Like Rebekah, we need to be busy loving Jesus by serving others.  God will move at just the right time to work out His amazing plan for your life.

I felt like I had crawled into my fathers lap and He assured me “I dont have to be perfect because HE IS.”

I felt His comfort.

I felt His love.

I felt at peace KNOWING God was watching!  (Job 10:12~You gave me life and showed me kindness, and in your providence watched over my spirit.)

KNOWING He knows the desires of my heart!  (Psalm 37:4~Delight yourself in theLord and He will give you the desires of your heart.)

KNOWING He has a plan for my daughters life, using my life as her mother!  (Jeremiah 29:11~”For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans togive you hope and a future.)

KNOWING that He is working ALL THINGS together for my good!  (Romans 8:28~And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.)

KNOWING that even though I didn’t get to stay home, “WE” are in this TOGETHER!!  God, my husband, myself, and my daughter. In ordinary, everyday life.  Walking in His love……KNOWING HE IS ENOUGH!!  Deut 31:8~The Lord himself goes before you; He will never leave you nor forsake you.  Do not be afraid, do not be discouraged.)